Lets talk about time.
I'm not talking about five PM comes before six PM and after four PM. I'm talking about this is your life, and every second ticking by you can't ever get back. I'm talking about Sunday can't get here soon enough. I'm talking about June can't get here soon enough.
Really, Lo, I'm talking about you.
Today the sun is shining beautifully, its sixty-five degrees and outside feels like spring. If you walked out there with no sense of time, you'd be looking for chirping birds, wondering why the trees aren't blooming and looking out for hidden Easter eggs. But we do have a sense of time, and tomorrow is the first day of February. It's very confusing (get used to Maryland weather! Marylanders are prepared for anything - snow, sunshine, rain, sleet- any time of year. Except of course Summer, thats reserved for nothing but miserable, sticky, hot humidity. Ugh.) So here we are, tomorrow is February. One month down, the time ticked on. But as RB said last night: February is a big month for us. It felt so far away for so long, and now its upon us.
Time can be really funny like that. It seems to pass so slowly when it's coming towards you, but once its passed and you look back on it, it seems like it all went by so quickly. Thats basically how it feels right now in this journey. I feel like that car ride to New Jersey and my mom telling me about you was years ago, and I feel like hearing about how counseling goes on Sunday is years away. In time, a second can feel like a flash or a lifetime. I'm stuck inbetween the two extremes.
Time is funny in other ways too. For instance, when I'm stuck in those eight hours of work the time goes by so extremely s l o w l y. But when I'm at home in my pajamas vegging out on the couch, the time speedsby. When you're waiting on an important answer, it seems like the moment hangs in the air over your head for an eternity when in reality, its in the flash of a second. But when you're laughing with friends the hours pour through your hands like a mound of sand. Traveling is no different: you'll notice one day that getting to an exciting destination feels like it takes a lifetime, and coming home feels like it took half the amount of time.
Time is malleable in our hands, but most people don't know how to manipulate it. Including me. I wish I could say to you little one that I'm so very clever, that I can take all this time I'm worried and anxious and turn it into laughing, traveling home seconds instead of waiting on an important answer, getting to a great destination crawling hours.
But I can't. Unfortunately, I'm not as clever as you think. (You do think I'm clever right? I'm going to just pretend thats a yes. Maybe by the time you read this you'll be eighteen, and I will have learned how to be a much hipper Mom and person than I am now). While I can't figure out to change it, I think I've figured out why it is the way it is. You are the destination. You're the exotic vacation. You're the important answer we're waiting on.
And I have to keep reminding myself what beautiful things time brings to us. Time gives us memories. Time gives us lessons and something to anticipate. Time gives us a sense of being, a connection to others in the world. Time gives structure to chaos and explanation and reason to experiences.
I just can't wait to reach the destination, because I know watching you grow up into an amazing adult is going to fly by, and I'll have to consciously soak up every fleeting moment to store in my memory bank.
After all, timing is everything.
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