It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; with Time all things are revealed; Time is the father of truth.

Lets talk about time.

I'm not talking about five PM comes before six PM and after four PM. I'm talking about this is your life, and every second ticking by you can't ever get back. I'm talking about Sunday can't get here soon enough. I'm talking about June can't get here soon enough.

Really, Lo, I'm talking about you.

Today the sun is shining beautifully, its sixty-five degrees and outside feels like spring. If you walked out there with no sense of time, you'd be looking for chirping birds, wondering why the trees aren't blooming and looking out for hidden Easter eggs. But we do have a sense of time, and tomorrow is the first day of February. It's very confusing (get used to Maryland weather! Marylanders are prepared for anything - snow, sunshine, rain, sleet- any time of year. Except of course Summer, thats reserved for nothing but miserable, sticky, hot humidity. Ugh.) So here we are, tomorrow is February. One month down, the time ticked on. But as RB said last night: February is a big month for us.  It felt so far away for so long, and now its upon us.

Time can be really funny like that. It seems to pass so slowly when it's coming towards you, but once its passed and you look back on it, it seems like it all went by so quickly. Thats basically how it feels right now in this journey. I feel like that car ride to New Jersey and my mom telling me about you was years ago, and I feel like hearing about how counseling goes on Sunday is years away. In time, a second can feel like a flash or a lifetime. I'm stuck inbetween the two extremes.

Time is funny in other ways too. For instance, when I'm stuck in those eight hours of work the time goes by so extremely s l o w l y. But when I'm at home in my pajamas vegging out on the couch, the time speedsby. When you're waiting on an important answer, it seems like the moment hangs in the air over your head for an eternity when in reality, its in the flash of a second. But when you're laughing with friends the hours pour through your hands like a mound of sand. Traveling is no different: you'll notice one day that getting to an exciting destination feels like it takes a lifetime, and coming home feels like it took half the amount of time.

Time is malleable in our hands, but most people don't know how to manipulate it. Including me. I wish I could say to you little one that I'm so very clever, that I can take all this time I'm worried and anxious and turn it into laughing, traveling home seconds instead of waiting on an important answer, getting to a great destination crawling hours.

But I can't. Unfortunately, I'm not as clever as you think. (You do think I'm clever right? I'm going to just pretend thats a yes. Maybe by the time you read this you'll be eighteen, and I will have learned how to be a much hipper Mom and person than I am now). While I can't figure out to change it, I think I've figured out why it is the way it is. You are the destination. You're the exotic vacation. You're the important answer we're waiting on.

And I have to keep reminding myself what beautiful things time brings to us. Time gives us memories. Time gives us lessons and something to anticipate. Time gives us a sense of being, a connection to others in the world. Time gives structure to chaos and explanation and reason to experiences.

I just can't wait to reach the destination, because I know watching you grow up into an amazing adult is going to fly by, and I'll have to consciously soak up every fleeting moment to store in my memory bank.

After all, timing is everything.

Random Thoughts

Hello little one, its RB again.  I just wanted to write in some random thoughts that I have.  I know Becky has mentioned in here that she would like to be able to breast feed you.  A few weeks ago we heard that they (scientists) have found a way to allow men to breast feed as well, don't worry I wont put either of us through that.  We have one more day of January left after tonight is over.  Then it is February.  It is the coldest month of the year and the shortest, this year it is a leap year.  This means that the short month gets one extra day and this happens every four years.  The great thing about this one though is that although it is the shortest month, it is also a very big month.  As Becky has mentioned before, it is the month where BM will be counseled.  Also as Becky and I have mentioned it is the month that we will have our first meeting with the lawyer.  Another event this February that is crucial to our journey is the home study, which we need to initiate in February.

No one can tell you enough little one, how much you are loved and will always be loved.

Bad Day...

Oh Little One. Today will not go down as a good day in the books. Luckily, it could have been a lot worse.

It started with a call. It was one of those calls you never, ever want to be on the other end of. It was late in the morning, and RB and I were still asleep. The phone call woke us up, but we couldn't make it to the phone in time. It was my mom, and she had left a message. RB had went to the bathroom and I listented to the voicemail. It was pretty much nothing but screams, my mothers voice which is always so calm on the other end screaming, "My head, my neck, my car! You need to come NOW! I need you at the house..oh God my car, my head, it hurts, it hurts, COME NOW!"

Of course when we tried to call back, there was no answer, so I threw on clothes and screamed at RB to get dressed, we had to go.

Long story short, my mom got in a car accident right outside of her front door. She was backing her truck out of the driveway to drive her sister home, and just as she was about to put the truck in drive and move along down her street and into a normal day, a big black SUV came barelling down the road at fifty miles per hour and slammed straight into the back of her truck. An ambulance ride and five hours in the ER later  after a few staples in her head, a concussion and lots of bumps and bruises everything is relatively okay.

But its days like these that make you realize that everything in your life can change  in an instant.  And sometimes thats good, and sometimes its bad. And while its easy to fall into an anxiety ridden existance, worrying and wondering whats going to go wrong around every corner, you just cannot think like that. And it drives the point home more and more: I can worry the next six months that you won't end up as our little one at the end of this, I can think about it every second of every day, worrying myself to death. But you just never know. Unexpected things happen all the time, and life has the power to change in an instant. I have to stop worrying about it and put my trust in faith that it is all going to work out the way its supposed to, for the better.

I am so happy that mom is okay, that tonight she is safe in her bed. And she'll be sore tomorrow and the next day, but in the end she'll be okay. And thats whats important. They always say you only get one mother, and its true. Love and cherish your mother, because they will be one of the most important people in our lives. I love my mother more than words could ever express, and I make sure to tell her every single day. (And of course love and respect your father too, they are just as important).

This time next week, BM will have had counseling and we will hopefully know more. This week is going to crawl by for us. But then again, life can change in an instant. 

I'm going to try my best not to worry between now and then. It won't be easy, but no one ever said life is easy. Everything in this world worth having is worth all the worry in the world, including you little one.

 

Shower Weekend

Short post today sweet little one, as I'm quite tired tonight.

A few things:

1. We told our best friends about you last night. It was a pretty memorable experience. We all had a good long (albiet a little drunken for some of them, haha) talk about how wonderful the situation is. We really do have some amazing friends, and you're going to have some seriously awesome uncles and aunts in the future.

2. My sisters baby shower was today. And while it was still hard to be there (as it is for any baby shower for us) it was awesome getting to see my sister happy, and that made it all worth it. I thought about you a lot though, and there were a few times I had to stop myself from smiling just thinking about how much you'll be loved be all these people too.

You are going to be so, so loved. I mean obviously you'll be craaaazy loved by RB and I, but also by the great people we have in our lives. They already love you (at least the ones that know about you right now) and the ones that don't know about you are going to fall head over heels in love with you when they realize you're here.

Is it possible to miss someone you've never met? Because I miss you.

 

Until tomorrow little one, sweet dreams.

Almost a Whole Other Week

Hello little one, its RB again.  It has been almost a week since I last posted on this.  So Becky already mentioned that we have our consultation with the lawyer on the tenth of February but it is definitely worth mentioning more than once, which makes it OK for me to bring it up too.  That is exciting because it is the next major step that we can take for this journey.

Becky has also already mentioned that she really wants to be a mom and  I really want to be a dad.  We both want to be able to be there for you.  We both want to be able to teach you things about life.   We both would really love to have the opportunity to watch you grow up and experience life.  I can remember hearing stories from my family from when I was a kid and all of the things they enjoyed watching me do.  I am thinking that would have to be a very awesome feeling to be able to celebrate with you every little step of the way, little one.  Becky and  hope that everything will work out, then we can actually get to be there for you for all of those things, among others. It cant be said enough that you will always be loved.

I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope....

So lately I'm very obsessed with the Florence + The Machine song Shake it Out. Check out the lyrics, little one, and maybe you'll understand why:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to playAnd every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a final mess but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

 

Needless to say, its a pretty powerful song, and I'm totally addicted to it. Its a song that gets me pumped up when I'm thinking about you little one, because I am ready to suffer and hope and it is a shot in the dark that you'll be our little one, but I'm ready to take the shot.

 

The Numbers:

138 days until you are due to come into this world.

10 days until we find out if this is going to be truly serious.

14 days that we've known about your existence.

15 days until we meet with the lawyer.

48 days left to begin the homestudy.

90 days to have a home study completed.

 

What the Numbers Feel Like:

An eternity and half a millisecond, all at once.

 

Its always darkest before the dawn.

 

 

Whats in a name....

There are a few things RB agree on, and a few things we don't. Thats what makes up a normal marriage. Choosing a name for you is no different.

We both agree on a male name, that one came fairly easy. We both like James Patrick with the nickname Jack. There are many reasons behind this particular name.

Firstly, RBs grandfather was nicknamed Jack. RB had a very close relationship with his grandfather, so this name would be an homage to him. Patrick is a strong name in my family, Almost all my uncles have the name Patrick as their middle name, and its a strong Irish name. James comes from a lot of places. We both enjoy the name, it's a good name that carries well into adulthood (if you're a boy Jack is adorable and playful, but when you're thirty and hunting down your first hedgefund James sounds more professional than Jack anyday).

But heres where we woefully disagree: girls names.

RB likes very tradtional girls names (See: Caitlyn, Brittany, Megan, etc). I love old names. My favorites are Evelyn (it means wanted child - what could be more perfect?) and Genevieve. Of course, Genevieve is a mouthful for a kid, so the nickname would be Evie (pronounced Ee- Vee) for either Genevieve or Eveyln. RB thinks they both sound like ninety year old women and they conjure up an image of a ninety year old with blue hair and a one year pass to the local bingo hall. I, however, think they are timeless.

We do agree on a middle name for a girl though (but we both agree we don't like it for a first name). The one thing we agree on for a girls name is the middle name of Hope. I normally hate, hate, hate the name Hope. But as a middle name, in this situation especially, I think its just perfect.

But Evelyn Hope, a child that was both wanted and hoped for- well that would describe you perfectly, little one.

But we've got a while to try and figure this one out. Hopefully its something we will be privledged enough to even have to figure out - but just the thought of it is exciting.

Of course, we could always go celebrity and just call you Little One forever.

What do you think about that, Lo?

Better than love, than money, than fame- give me truth.

Random Sunday.

Here are a few famous people that were adopted:

 

Babe Ruth.

The bambino. The Sultan of Swat. One of the best baseball players of all time. Learned the skill of baseball in an orphanage.

Another fun fact: was born in Baltimore and played for The Orioles.

Changed the history of baseball, and was adopted.



Marilyn Monroe.

Norma Jean Baker. Adopted from her mothers best friend.

Another fun fact: She's was not only gorgeous, but insanely smart.

Changed the history of film and the standards of beauty, and was adopted.



John Lennon.

Mr. Beatles himself was adopted by his maternal aunt.

Another fun fact: Whatelse is there? He's John Freaking Lennon!

Changed the world view on peace, changed the history of music and was adopted.



Steve Jobs.

The inventor of all things amazing was adopted one week after birth.

Another fun fact: by the time you're in school, you might use iPads instead of notepads, all because of this guy.

Changed the history of technology and the way we access information, and was adopted.

Other famous people who were adopted:

Sarah McLachlan

Nelson Mandella

Scott Hamilton

Dave Thomas (of Wendy's fame)

Faith Hill

Liz Phair

Jamie Foxx

Frances McDormand

Ray Liotta

Deborah Harry of Blondie

 

Don't take this the wrong way, little one. Being famous is nothing compared to being a good person, and trust me, they don't go hand in hand. My point here is this: you won't be alone, and you can be anything you want to be. Don't ever feel limited because you're unsure of your exact genetic roots-  make it a jumping off point that you're forging a new way in this world. Be the change you wish to see in the world, as Ghandi says.

I don't only think about how you will coo as a baby cradled in my arms, but I wonder what you'll grow up to be. And you don't need to be an actress, a musician, a poltical leader or a baseball player to change the world. Most of the time the people that change the world are the middle men and those who are always searching for their career, they are often the most interesting and passionate people. And we'll love you whether you make music that lives in infamy, or you live out your dreams as a lab technician or chef or nurse or teacher, whatever you wish to be in this world.

Just as long as you have a burning, inextinguishable passion for life.

 

 

Hello

Hello little one, I am RB.  We have not met yet but I already love you.   Right now, it is hard to believe that it has been just over a week since Becky and I found out about you.  I was driving home from work and I was almost home when my phone rang, Becky told me about the conversation she had with her mom just an hour before.  She was so excited that she could not even wait until I got home!   As soon as she told me, I was excited too!  You see little one, we are both so excited about you!   Although Becky is right when she says it can be scary because of the unknown, there are a lot of positive thoughts to think about We both have been thinking about you a lot since last Friday night.  I enjoy reading the posts that Becky makes to and about you, she really is the best.  I know she has already said so and I have already said so, but we both love you so much already.

Now the second week of our journey is underway.  We are waiting to see what will happen next but for now little one, I just wanted to say Hello.

Thoughts on Motherhood....

I can't remember how long motherhood has been a dream of mine, but I can tell you its been a long time. I can recall being a little girl, no more than six, and stuffing a pillow under my shirt and pretending to be a mommy. But more than the pillow-stuffing, I played with a lot of baby dolls. And even as a small child, playing with the dolls had far more meaning to me than the pillow stuffed under the shirt.

And it still does.

I won't care if you grow inside of my skin, if you bare my eyes or the genetic ability to curl your tongue. There are traits you will have that we could never be blessed enough to pass on to you. For example, both RB and I are terrible at math. Really, really horrendous. I can pay my bills and figure out the compound interest on a 30 year apr loan, but when it comes to geometry and how many peanuts would Sally have left over if she sold them for $3.00 a pound, I'm at a loss. But maybe you'll be a math whiz.  RB and I both had blonde hair when we were little (though dye for me and age for RB have changed all that)... maybe you'll have a shock of gorgeous dark auburn locks.

Or maybe not.

Maybe you'll be awful at math and have blonde hair that blinds. The importance in all of this is: it makes no difference. Either way, you'll be our kid.

I am not going to lie and say that seeing belly shots, going to baby showers, seeing sonograms..it still hurts. I don't think it will ever stop, but I do think it will lessen. And I also think that if this all works out, little one, that we'll have a few huge one-ups on the birth side of things. Firstly, fate chose us to be together. And yes, for a lot of pregnancies fate plays a big role, but I feel like all the stars have aligned, the skies have opened up and a path has been beaten to lead us to each other.

You may never get to hear my heartbeat from the inside as it would be if I had given birth to you myself, but you will hear it pound louder than any others when we're laying chest to chest. You will know that with every single bump-bump its beating strong for you. You will know from the start that while you didn't grow under my heart, you grew inside of my heart.

And let me tell you, little one, genetics aren't all they are cracked up to be. A family is not based on genetics. I love RB more than anyone on this planet, and he has absolutely no genetic tie to me (at least I really hope not!) Motherhood is about so much more than carrying a child in your womb. It's about who is by your side when you're running a fever. It's about who provides for you emotionally.  It's about who loves you, more than anyone on this entire planet. It's about who guides you through life until you can grow your own little wings and take flight on your own. Motherhood is about love, compassion, caring, nurturing, teaching, happiness and joy. It's not about whether our fingers are the same length (mine are notoriously short and stubby, I'm glad to not pass that along) or whether or not you can wiggle your ears.

Mothers are the ones who escort you through life, giving you everything you need to thrive. I'm not interested in creating a mini-me. I'm interested in creating an awesome you. And yes, it will take a little more work. You might have to explain to your friends why you don't look like your parents. You might have to come to terms with the fact that your parents are total and complete dorks, even if you're a cool kid. But it will so be worth it.

And when those other kids ask why you don't look like us, just remember that RB and I couldn't ever create anything as perfect and beautiful as you. And when they ask why you're adopted, just remember that the way everyone makes their way into this world is different, but never forget:

We wanted YOU. And how many kids can say that?

Motherhood is not about carrying a child in your womb for nine months. Its about carrying a soul in your heart for a lifetime.

And I think my heart has been working out for the past three years to be strong enough to hold you forever.

Can Someone Turn a Light On?

It's getting a bit dark in here.

To lighten the mood, I am going to let myself daydream for a minute. Actually, its not just for a minute because I seem to catch myself doing that a lot lately. But here goes.

I want to do your nursery in owls. I don't care what gender you are little one, owls go adorably with everything. I want to take a picture of you everyday, partly because I am weird and partly because I will marvel at the miracle you are every. single. day. I want to take you camping. I want you to learn the joy and the beauty that RB and I so very much love in the nature thats all around us. I want to take you biking. I want to strap on one of those baby-bike cargos to the back of my bike and cycle up and down the boardwalk. I would love to see you at the beach, playing in the sand not a care in the world.

I think simple, everyday things like feeding you and quick trips to the grocery store will be amazing. Thats what family memories are built off of, the everyday. And I want to build them with you every. single. day.

When you are older, I want to take you on trips. When my sister ST and I were young, my parents took us everywhere. We went on trips to Pennsylvania, New York, Virginia. Even if they were only for a couple of hours, we felt like world travelers. I want to give that gift to you.

I can't wait for the day you are old enough to ride the kiddie rides at Knoebels. I can just imagine what fun you'd have. I have no clue at all as to how you will look, little one (though no matter what you look like, you will be gorgeous), but I can still imagine the face you'll make.

If you are a girl, I can't wait to paint your toenails bright pink and dress you in tutus and bows. Unless, when you get older, you decide thats not your thing and instead you would rather dress in big T-shirts and jeans. Thats cool too. But if it is your thing, I would love to throw you a slumber party on your tenth birthday that would live in infamy for all the other kids on the block. If you're more in to building robots, or playing football, or painting or acting or whatever it is you are into, thats fine too. Whatever theme you want, we would pull off a showstopper.

If you're a boy, I can't wait to play trucks with you, or listen to you play music. Unless, when you're older, you decide thats not your thing and instead you would rather dress in dresses with pink nailpolish on your toes. Thats cool too. Whatever you are into, we will support.

No matter what tickles your fancy, we'll love doing those things with you.

I can't wait to pick out a Christmas tree. Every year we go to Home Depot, because we figure Whats the use? We know the trees come from a farm. But with you little one, we'll go to the farm and cut it down ourselves. I can't wait for you to see Christmas Village. I know your eyes will light up at the sight of all those lights, and you'll probably kick and scream on Santa's lap for the first time, but eventually you'll love that part...or maybe not. And if you don't, then forget about the Santa pictures. Our holiday photos will be taken in front of the tree instead.

There are so many family memories waiting to be had. And I hope I get to experience every one of them with you little one. It will be a beautiful life indeed.

And trust me, you'll think the owls are adorable too. Promise.

 

The Broken Road

Today my coworker is listening to her music super loud, as she does almost every day. Most days this just annoys me, because she tends to sing along in a very off pitch and out of tune way all day long (somedays it feels like that five o'clock buzzer is taunting me, its so far from my reach. After her third rendition of the same song about sunshine I feel like pulling all my hairs out one by one with a pair of rusty pliers). Today, however....it just made me cry. I know, I'm ridiculous. One day you'll learn that (I hope).

  I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Yes, I know its about a romantic love. But its pretty darn descriptive for our journey too. Cue me having to stop myself from bawling like a baby at my desk. Its times like this when its hard to be an adult, when part of you wants to just crawl under the covers and forget the world exists, or build a fort with a password and not let anyone in. But those days for me are long gone...

but they are far and wide for you, little one.

Last night RB and I set out on one of our famous (well, famous in our house anyway) marathon errand nights. We went to six (yes, you read that number right. SIX!) stores to get everything done that we needed to get done. The goal was two-fold, to get my sinus infection prescription and to get a mircowave (I may or may not have made our microwave explode by making soap in it. Our new plan: get a cheap microwave solely for soap making for the future...at least our broken microwave was super clean!) We finally did get our microwave, but you were in our minds every step we took. We stopped in at a bookstore and picked up two books about adoption, and the cashier (a kid who looked about seventeen and he got lost on his way to the set of an MTV reality show with bright blond locks and a pearly white smile) wished us luck three times after seeing the books we were buying. RB, in usual adorable RB style, didn't realize right away what he was wishing us luck for. He gave me a look as if to say, "Do we really need luck when buying two books?" but once he realized the kids intent, his face lit up like a Christmas tree. It was the first time a stranger has wished us luck. These little tiny things, they make it all seem so much more real.

We went to dinner afterwards (word to the wise, never, ever order chinese food from a Japanese restaurant. It tasted like the cow palace smells at the state fair. Not pleasant.) and we talked. RB tried to contact a former coworker whose wife is a family attorney to get her insight and direction, and lets just say it didn't go well. She answered the phone and was so haughty about RB trying to even contact her husband, so we don't think thats a route that is going to work. But this little set back crushed RB. He is already so protective. But we talked about it, and one of the reasons we work so harmoniously is because we view the world completely differently. I know that sounds contradictory, but one day you'll learn little one that sometimes the people who we don't see eye to eye with are the people we learn the most from. RB gets very intimidated and hung up on details, whereas I get overwhelmed by the big picture. RB can see the big picture clearly without problem, and I work better taking baby steps. We balance each other out in this way.

Speaking of the details, today I read an article that said for adoptive moms to breastfeed, they may need to start hormone therapy when the birth mother is at 20 weeks. Which is next week. This threw me for a complete loop - we won't know more until the first weekend of February, and even then we won't know everything. I can't imagine creating breastmilk for an infant I don't bring home, it would be like pouring a pound of salt into a papercut. I'm still navigating what I feel like I can and can't handle at this point. I am trying so very hard to take this all one step at a time, not get my hopes up, not get crushed, not get too invested while being invested enough...

It's like walking on a tightrope.

One little tip off-balance, and I'm plummeting.

There is only one upside to this analogy, little one. If I do plummet, I have an amazing safety net. We have such a great net woven tightly with family and friends, that if we do plummet, they will cushion our fall. They will help us get up, and try again. We won't get up unscathed, there will be bruises and scars- but they will be something we will learn and grow from, and scars that give us character and a story to tell. I feel like when I'm the one walking on the rope, RB is there to be the pole that keeps me balanced. And when he's walking on the rope, I'm the pole.

Even though I know we will be okay if we fall, I want to make it to the other side, because I know there you'll be waiting.

 

Becoming a Lawyer

Oh, little one. I've been reading and taking in all the information  I possibly could for the past two nights. Every moment I have free I've been looking at adoption forums online, reading up about success stories, attempts, failures...and I'm feeling each and every emotion from happiness to anguish with these women as I'm reading each story.

And I have to admit, I'm overwhelmed.

The laws are so fuzzy, the agencies are hard to navigate- which ones are scams? Which ones are genuinely trying to help us unite? It's so difficult to tell. Are the laws that apply the ones in my state or another state? Where do we go from here?

We won't know more information until the first weekend in February. And little one, that feels like light years away. RB and I are trying to take this slow, one step at a time as to not get overwhelmed. But reading all these words, these flat words on pages that could jump out and halt our dreams at any moment...

It's terrifying.

My emotions are all over. In forty eight hours I've gone from which herbal remedy am I going to try this week to try and make my body work properly to make a baby, to Oh my Goodness, my baby might already be here in this world. It all feels like some amazing dream that I'm going to snap out of, that tomorrow I will wake up and nothing will be the same. I think thats why telling this story is so imporant for me too, little one, because I need some record to show that it is in fact real.

I'm reading all these stories about women who have sweetly detailed and decorated nurseries with freshly painted walls and brand new baby supplies, little tiny onesies and scapbooks they've been keeping since day one waiting patiently at home in an empty, babyless room. They have dotted all the i's, crossed all the t's. They have the proper number of smoke alarms in their home, a fire extinguisher daintly placed next to their ovens, a first aid kit in their pantries and all their toxic household items in a locked, up-high container per the Home Study (and trust me, that is a pretty accurate term for that proccess. It seems there is a LOT of studying you must do before completing one).

And these women, with their hospital bags stuffed with supplies and the tiny little outfit they spent weeks picking out for their newborn to come home in , (the same outfit they've been dreaming of having on the baby for pictures for the birth announcement), all in a bag thats been packed for weeks-  they wait and pray and show up for what is meant to be the best day of their entire lives... and something that to them is terrible, awful, horrible and unthinkable goes wrong.

The birth mother decides to parent.

They are crushed. Every dream of parenting they've ever had has gone out the window. Their trust is forever broken, their wallets empty for a long time, and their only option after months of preperation, care and passion is to go back to their empty home. No children crying, no bottles warming, no diapers taken out of the packs. They go home to a place stuck in an infinite time warp, a life that they were not planning on ever having- a big empty hole in their heart and home.

And it scares me to no end.

I can't imagine knowing you're mine, and not getting to experience it. I cannot find it fathomable to prepare so lovingly and carefully for your arrival only for there to be no arrival at all.

But, as we've said from the second we've decided, no matter what it will be worth it.

Regret is worse than pain. We've known pain. We've been through pain, and we've made it through for better or for worse. Infertility in and of itself is nothing but one long painfest. But regret? Thats something foreign to us. Something we've never, ever had to deal with and regret is scarier than all of my fears combined.

 Basically little one, I am trying to become a lawyer in less than 150 days. We are trying everything we can on our end to make this work, and I am trying not to break down before the beginning of February when we know more about what is going on.

We are going to push forward, no matter what. Come hell or high water. You're worth more than any pain, anguish, anxiety or hurt that could be thrown at us.

 

Regret is worse than pain.

You are worth more than anything.

We will prevail, no matter what.

Lets Start at the Beginning...

...because its a good place to start.

I just heard about you for the first time yesterday. I'm not sure if you are anything for me to even hear about, but I'm hopeful that you are... so hopeful in fact that my heart could burst into a million pieces. Because you see, I've wanted you and dreamed about you for a long, long time. But I'm getting a head of myself. Very ahead.

We'll start at the very, very beginning.

I met your...well now heres where it gets fuzzy. I can't call him anything to you yet, because who knows what the future holds. We'll call him RB. I call him the love my life.

I met RB when I was 19. Our first date lasted longer than probably any first date in history. We went to dinner, but that wasn't enough time to spend together, so we went to go get coffee, and that wasn't enough time together so we went and read books and eventually ended up sitting in the car talking for hours. We knew right away we were meant to be together. I am hoping that one day you'll learn what an amazing person RB is. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I knew from the second I looked into his eyes that our love would be a real, lasting love. RB is always there no matter whats happening in life, and sometimes when something amazing happens (like the fact that you even exist) it just doesn't feel real in my life until I share it with him. We work in a pretty perfect harmony together, and we love each other more than most people could ever understand. I feel like sometimes people don't have big enough hearts to understand the love that we share together, but thats okay. All that matters is that we understand, and trust me, we do.

RB and I married technically on December 26th, 2008. Not everyone knows that, but I was very sick and while we had everything for our big wedding planned out, we decided that we needed each others lasting support at that very moment, for practical reasons like insurance so I could get proper medical care, but also because the time was just...right. We were married in a gazebo at sunset the day after Christmas in our favorite park, right on the water surrounded by our closest family. We spent a lot of time in that park when we were dating. We've taken our dogs to that park (remind me to tell you about the time RB had to jump off the pier to rescue Sammy), we ride our bikes together in that park, it was where we went on our second date and where I hope to one day be able to take you. That place has a very special place in our hearts that grew twice as much that day. We were married by a wonderful woman, and thats a very important part of this story. I'll get more into that later, but just know that she truly holds a very special place in our lives.

 Six months later, on July 18th, 2009 we had a big wedding in front of all of our family and friends, also by the same wonderful woman in a beautiful old church in Baltimore, complete with a larger than life organ that sweeps the entire front of the church. It's where Edgar Allen Poe is buried. RB looked very handsome that day, and everything was perfect. Some of the pictures from that day are some of my favorite pictures I've ever had taken. I couldn't have had a more wonderful wedding day, it was the fantasy wedding that every little girl dreams of (except for that whole man with the cognac bottle thing, but thats a story for far in the future. Remind me to tell you of that one, preferably when you're 18 or older).

Right away we knew we wanted a family. We tried right away, even though we knew it was going to be a struggle. See I don't have the best health, among other things I have an issue where I can't get pregnant easily like a lot of women. Even knowing this, we were adorably niave and thought that it would happen easily. I threw away my birth control our first month of marriage.

Time passed.

A lot of time.

More time than we ever could have imagined.

Three years and a lot of medical treatments, dollars and heartache later nothing happened. I never got pregnant. We tried a lot of crazy things in that time (don't believe everything you read on the internet...not everything works the way it says. And for the record, standing on your head will produce nothing but a big old headache and bruised ego) but still nothing worked.

Flash forward to 2011. Its September 11th, and we're at my cousins wedding. That wonderful woman who officiated our wedding? Well she's now a big part of our life. She is like a family member to us, and she officiated my cousins wedding (as well as my sisters, my parents 30th anniversary vow renewal, our two weddings... she is really worth her weight in gold for all the distinctive services she's provided our family). She decides to stay for the reception, and she sits next to RB and I at the table (along with my parents, sister, brother in law and nephew). We start to talk, she asks us how our struggle with infertility is going. She knows all about it (through facebook, which I sincerely hope is no longer around by the time you're old enough to be interested in such things. Unless you like wondering when people are out shopping at Target on a Sunday afternoon as a way of having a "meaningful relationship" with friends. Again, I digress).

We tell her how hard it is. That we have so much love to give, and no baby to show for it. She asks if we've considered adoption at any point. We reply that of course we have, but it doesn't seem feasible. With my medical background and the cost of such things, there is just no way we could get lucky enough to adopt. She understands. She has been through struggles with infertility as well, and understands our pain.

Flash forward.

Its early December, 2011. My cousin (brother to the cousin whose wedding we were at) is getting married soon. My mother (another person I really, really hope you don't miss out on meeting. You will fall in love instantly with both her and my father. They are pretty hard to not fall complete in love with right away. They are two of the most amazing people I've ever met in my entire life, and don't worry- they'd fall in love with you right back instantly...and RB's parents have a lot of love to give you too. Basically, little one, if this works our the way I hope, you will be surrounded by a lot of love forever.), anyway my mother and I attend his bride-to-be's wedding shower. My cousins mother comes up to me, say's she's had an experience she needs to tell me about, a message. A message? A message from who? She says that God has come to her and told her she needs to deliver a special message to RB and I. That we will soon get a calling. That we are bound for greatness. That wonderful things are in store for us, things we do will not expect or understand, and we will be called to them. To be patient, because its coming.

What?!

Yes, she says. This is what I've been told to tell you.

I'm confused for weeks.

Before then, my mother had a dream. A dream where her mother, (my grandmother) came to her and said our time was coming. To be patient, enjoy this time before life gets crazy. Its sooner than we think.

At this point though, I have to admit I'm jaded. After three years of nothing happening and three years of heartache, hurt and regret its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, I think, our time is coming. Coming in years and years and years down the road. No way is it coming soon.

Christmas comes, and for some reason I'm not as depressed as I've been the past three Christmases. You see, little one, Christmas is difficult for people facing infertility. Its a holiday centered around babies, children and families. When you have none of those, you feel left out. Forgotten. It's a sad place to be on such a happy holiday, and while dealing with the infertility it was hard to enjoy such a holiday. But for some reason, I felt deep down maybe, just maybe this one would be the last. The last Christmas with this feeling, this awful, hurtful dragging feeling.

Our anniversary is the next day, and RB and I go to a bed and breakfast to celebrate. We are talking alot that weekend about where our lives have been, where they've gone and where we wish they were. We decide that 2012 is the year to be proactive. That no matter what, baby or not, it's going to be our year. That nothing will hold us back. What gave us this adventerous attitude is a mystery, but we felt different that trip. Better about our baby situation. No matter what, we had each other and that was whats important. We were hugely lucky to have what we do have, a good life together. Solid in our love and marriage. So many people struggle everyday with that alone, but that has always come so natural and easy to us. We had great jobs, a home, two precious dogs, friends and family that cared for us more than anything...we had a great life. Oh, there was still a huge hole that needed to be filled. But we decided, at that moment, to make the decision to be happy. And I have to tell you little one, thats a hard decision to make. It may seem easy to just be happy, to appreciate what you have and not worry with the rest. Its one of the hardest things you'll ever have to decide on. I know that sounds silly, but one day you'll understand...though I hope you don't ever understand that, because no matter what I want you to be happy all the time.

Still, even with this newfound sense of confidence, I got desperate. I reach out to psychics. When you are staring out at a big black abyss of a life, you want some light. Even if its a reflection of light from somewhere else and it's not even real, just something to hope for out in that darkness. Thats what this psychic kick was all about. All I wanted was some kind of light, even a false reflection. I was told we would get have a precious girl, relating to the month of April/May.

I hate to say it, but it gave me a glimmer of hope.

Fast forward again, and here is where we come to yesterday.

My mom wanted to adopt a dog from New Jersey.

She was adamant that I take the ride with her. I happily obliged. Everything went smoothly, but she kept repeating, randomly, I think you and RB need to save your money. You need to take time to get things together. You don't know where you'll be in a few months. Over and over again for the four hour ride. Over and over, the same phrasing. She began to say it one more time, and I stopped her.

What are you actually talking about?!

What do you know that we don't?

She says, I can't tell you.

I push harder.

Well, she says, if I tell you you can't ask any questions.

I tell her thats not fair, and I can't promise that.

Fine, she says, I cannot tell you then.

Fine, okay, okay, no questions I promise. I knew it would be a lie.

Thats when she says it. She tells me about you. The woman at our wedding? The lovely one that officiated? She knew about you, and they've been talking about you and I for weeks.

And my life changes forever.

Everything is up in the air right now, little one. I don't know if you'll be our little one when you make your way into this crazy, wonderful world in June. But I have hope. And hope is something I haven't had in a long, long time. RB says he has a good feeling. We called his family tonight and told them about you, told them to pray. We need all the prayers we can get. I cannot think of a time in my life when I've been more nervous, or wanted something more.  I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, for fear that if they come crashing down the higher they are the more debris will collapse on top of me, and the more pain I will feel from it all. But either way, no matter what happens you've already impacted our lives, even if only for a little while. Its the first time we've found some hope in three years. Do you know what hope feels like, little one? Do you know what it feels like to have a prayer answered?

I've hoped and prayed for a little one just like you for a long time. I long to hold you in my arms, to sing you lullabies to sleep, to watch you grow and laugh and give you every single ounce of love that we have to give. I want it with every fiber of my being, and I know RB does too. I will love every night we stay up together, every cry that comes from your tiny precious body will be the best gift I've ever been given. I will not complain on your fussy days, I  instead will marvel at everything you are capable of. I will hold you tight when you're scared, I will nuture you with everything I have, I will love you more than anything in this entire world.

Some people dream of expensive cars, vacations to exotic lands, dream houses. I dream of your tiny toes. I dream of the face you might make when deep in sleep. I dream of sunny days taking you to the zoo. I dream of cuddling with you. I hope and I pray and I write and I cry, and when its all said and done I hope it ends up with you in my arms because anything less than that...well would it be worth it?

But little precious one, its out of my hands right now. If it were all in my hands. there would be no question at all as to how this story would end. But for now, we just have to wait and see where the journey leads us and along the way we can hope and pray and dream that it will end with us being together, being a family. Being happy.

As for now, I'm happy to be scared, and I'm scared to be happy. Its the first real emotion I've felt in three years, little one. And you've made us feel it. You're not even here yet, and already you're amazing.

I hope this is just the beginning.