You are not the momentary whim of a careless creator experimenting in the laboratory of life. . . You were made with a purpose.

 

 

Little One, we're only given this one life. Just one... and if there is one thing I want to teach you in this world, it's to find your purpose and appreciate everything in this beautiful journey we've been given. 

 

Appreciate the quiet calm of a sunset. Appreciate the purity of the air that fills your lungs and sends oxygen to your beautiful brain. Appreciate that brain of yours- marvel at the intricate, mysterious way it works without us even knowing how or why. Appreciate your sense of wonderment and your talents.

Appreciate waking up in the morning- even on the days when you've woken up on the wrong side of the bed, even on days you don't want to get out of bed...appreciate waking up. It's a luxury many see come to an end far too soon. 

 

Appreciate the bad time, for they are the shading on the bright focus of a picture. Without the bad, we wouldn't see the beauty in the good. I want you to believe that there is good in everyone, as hard as it is some days. I want you to see beauty in the darkest of places, because that is often where the beauty of life is hiding.

 

I want you to live. Really live. I want you to take the long way home, driving with the windows down as you feel the wind tickle your hair around your scalp, sending shivers down your spine.  I want you to see and do everything on your bucket list. I want you to try new things, even if they are scary or foreign. I want you to never stop learning, to want to know more always, to seek out the truth and meaning behind everything.

 

I want so very much for you, Lo.

 

I want you to have the best life possible. 

I want you to find your purpose, because once you do- you are really living.

 

My purpose is to be your Mom. 

My distinct feeling throughout this whole process has been just that... I was put on this earth to find you, to be your Momma. My purpose is to give you these things, to show you the beauty of this world and teach you everything I possible can....

And above all, my purpose is to love you. Sweet baby, I am going to love you in a way only a parent can- that fierce kind of love, the kind of love that would stop a freight train. That is my purpose in life. My purpose is to be a mother. 

 

But I know I am more than that. My purpose to be a mother was not accidental. My purpose to be a mother was set apart from the rest, because I  will be a mother through this miracle that is adoption. It's a purpose I don't take lightly, baby. It's a purpose I appreciate and try to learn from every day.

 

I will not know motherhood the way most women do. I will not know what it's like to feel the cold jelly of a sonogram machine on my stomach to find out your gender. I will not know what it's like to feel your kicks from the inside, or to hear your heartbeat for the first time. 

I will know motherhood in a completely different way. In what is possibly the coolest way. My motherhood will be so instant, and at the same time so gestational. I get to experience what most other Moms don't. I will get a call to know your gender. I will be able to hold you, this tiny person already formed,  whose soul I've been connected to for so very long, and get to know you in a way most mothers can't understand.

 

My purpose is to advocate for that amazing miracle. Once you're in our arms, adoption will still be ever present. It will be in our lives every day, in one way or another. It won't always be front and center but it will be part of the background scenery forever. My purpose is to be there for new adoptive mothers, to be a sounding board and help them through this scary process. I am so thankful for the brave women put in my journey so far to help guide me, that I want to give that back as much as possible. 

Once you've found your purpose in life, there is a fire lit from under you that cannot be extinguished until it's fulfilled. It's a drive that takes over you, body and soul, and consumes you. It's a beautiful energy that comes from nowhere. It's the will that tells you not to give up when you're exhausted from trying. It's the whisper in your ear telling you to keep on hoping after another failure. 

 

I appreciate the purpose. 

 

I don't know what your purpose will be, sweet baby. That is for you to find out... but just know your Dad and I will support you in the journey to find out, and we'll always be here patiently waiting to see what you find. We'll do everything we can to support you following your dreams. Maybe in thirty years when you look back and read this you'll think, "Really Mom? I was your purpose in life? Dream a little bigger next time.... I mean, I am going to be President*, and all you wanted to be was a Mom and adoption advocate?" (* or doctor, or lawyer, or sanitation specialist---again, that part is up to you!)

 

But then I'll look into the eyes of the beautiful child that I worked for five (or more) long years to bring into our lives, the one who appreciates life and learning and the pursuit of their own happiness... and I will smile and tell you how very worth it it was. 

 

I will always appreciate you. You are my purpose in life, and I will appreciate every breath that fills your lungs, and every thought in your amazing brain. 

 

Being your Mom is going to be the most amazing journey I've ever embarked on. 

 

I can't wait to fulfill my purpose.

 

With love and wind in my hair,

Love always and forever, sweet baby, 

 

Mom 

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

Little One, we must learn from others. Others experiences, others journeys- they will teach us more than any textbook in this world.

So when the opportunity arose to participate in an interview project with fellow adoption bloggers, I jumped at the chance. I never knew I would be so lucky as to be paired with Lori Lavender Luz from Write Mind, Open Heart. Lori is a  soon to be published author (check out her book debuting in March 2013 and preorder here),  a mother through adoption and an open adoption advocate. She knows far more than I do about the open adoption journey, and I learned so much from my interview with her.

Please read the following interview with Lori, and learn as much as I did about this amazing beacon in the adoption community:

STBH: What motivates you to write? Have you ever faced writers block, and if so, how have you overcame it?

Lori: I've always been a wonderer. I've always liked to see the same thing from different angles to understand it better. I find, when I'm writing a post, that in trying to be clear with my reader, I'm also finding clarity for myself. This is why some consider writing as therapy -- it requires focus to take an idea or issue or emotion and reduce it to words. It's the yoga equivalent of finding my core, of honing inward. Writing is introspective and causes me to be more honest with myself, with my motivations. I also like to write because it makes me more observant, more present as I move through my day.
As for writer's block, I do get it every once in awhile. Sometimes I just take a short break from my blog (usually not more than a week). Sometimes I just sit down with a blank page and commit to be there for an hour. If it flows, great. If not, so what. Guess what...? Usually it flows when I commit to showing up.

STBH: If there were one misconception you could clear up about open adoption, what would it be?

That open adoption is super-hard, that only exceptional people can "do" it. True, parenting in open adoption can be more complicated than parenting in a biologically-built family, but with complexity often come unexpected gifts that you don't get from simplicity.

Know what's hard? Relationships! In them we don't always feel we have the power we want. We don't always know how to get our needs met. We fear someone else being a "wild card" that makes things be beyond our control.This isn't unique to open adoption relationships, though the feelings may be heightened in OA because of strong swirling emotions -- guilt, fear, debt, regret, anger, sadness, envy.

May I address two misconceptions? The other is that love can ameliorate all possible adoption-related issues for the adopted child. Some people are probably wired to be relatively issue-less, and others not so much. Parents (biological and adoptive) don't know which they are getting. I remember thinking that my children would come to me as blank slates whom I could fully influence with my love and guidance (and my husband's). I forgot that they come to me with 23 pairs of other people's chromosomes, which -- surprise -- pack a punch! These babies already had personalities by the time I met them as newborns -- shocker!

So, because your child may have issues with identity formation as s/he grows up (and really, who doesn't?) you might as well provide what you can to them about their birth parents. Maybe that's contact, maybe it's open-hearted conversations, maybe it's just you not being threatened by their wondering and processing.

STBH: How do you feel about PAL (positive adoption language)? Do you think it affects the way your children view their family structure? 

I'm all for being mindful, for choosing one's words deliberately. But if we're too careful, if we tiptoe around the realities of adoption, we indicate that there is something to hide and that there is shame around adoption.For example, I don't say to my daughter, "Crystal put you up for adoption." It sounds so careless and impersonal, like you're talking about a discarded toy. In reality, Crystal's decision was anything but careless and impersonal. Instead, I would say, "Crystal couldn't parent a baby at that time in a safe way, so she decided we would be your parents and she placed you with us." I try to understand how the words would feel to my child.

I wrote about this topic once regarding whether it matters if I say "we adopted my son" (which indicates it's something we did -- or "my son is adopted" (which indicates it's something he is). He seemed to pick up on this distinction, as I found out one morning at Take-Your-Parents-to-School Day. But does it really matter? Some adult adoptees have said that being adopted IS who they are. Or at least a part of who they are.

As for language affecting how our children feel about our family structure, yes, I believe it matters. The more secure and issue-less I can be about the way we became a family, the better the soil from which my emotions and words grow, and the more secure and issue-less our kids will have the opportunity to be. For then they can be left to deal with only their issues and not mine.

STBH: What has been the hardest part of your adoption journey so far?

Once we set out on the adoption journey, back in 2000, most everything seemed to fall into place relatively easily. It was the infertility process that brought me to my knees. Once I learned how to relax the grip I had on controlling my life, I was in a better position to yin-yang my way through the adoption process and now the parenting process. I was always good at the yang part -- making things happen; I had to get comfortable with the yin part -- letting things happen.

STBH: What do you like to do to relax?

I enjoy practicing yoga. For an hour I try to bring my awareness to the confines of my mat. It's a practice of focusing attention, of taming the wild-child that is my mind. It yokes my mind to my body and helps me remember to be more present even off my mat. Through yoga, I'm beginning to "get" that life is a journey and not a destination and shed the "I'll be happy whens." It's still a process. In yoga, everything is a process and no pose is ever perfected.I also love to read  and write and do cool things with my kids like paint pottery. My daughter, 11, plays volleyball and my son plays whatever sport it's the season for, so Husband and I spend a lot of time cheering them from the sidelines.

STBH: Being a self proclaimed new age libertarian, how do you feel about the upcoming election? 

I wish we could break free from our two-party system. The way it is, a candidate doesn't have to get you to vote FOR him (or her); he only has to get you to vote AGAINST the other guy (or gal). So campaigns are based on smear and fear and that makes everyone feel dirty.My family lives in a purple state (and a purple home!) and are thus bombarded with ads and robocalls and fliers that indicate only jerks, idiots and crooks want my vote. My kids have been told by the campaigns that no matter who wins, we're all doomed -- DOOMED I tell you! Husband and I have been doing some damage control surrounding these ubiquitous messages

STBH: Tell about your upcoming book on open adoption.

I was thrilled to announce that my project had a heartbeat last December and that I was going to give birth, metaphorically speaking. I spent the next several months gestating The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole with the help of a lot of midwives (and their male equivalent; midhusbands?). My daughter's birth mom, Crystal, is a contributor to the book, as are a host of other adoptive parents, first parents, adult adoptees and adoption therapists and advocates who shared their insights, viewpoints and wisdom with me -- many who are part of this Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project!The book will be published by Rowman & Littlefield in April of 2013, and if you'd like to be notified when the book is available, you can get on the contact list. Thanks for asking :-)

Lori Lavender Luz

Again, thank you to Lori for the amazing interview. I cannot wait to read your book when it comes out!

We can learn so much when we just open our eyes and ears to others experiences, Lo.

With my eyes and ears wide open,

Love Always,

Mom

This post is a part of the Adoption Blogger Interview Project. To read more about the project or to read other bloggers interviews, please visit the projects page . To read my interview with Lori, please visit her post.

I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

Little One, life has thrown some curveballs at us recently. I'm not a big fan of change and unpredictability, but with change comes opportunity. The changes we're making right now might even lead us to you one day, and they will all be for a reason.

Last Friday a terrible storm slammed the entire east coast. It was 600 miles long, spanning across several states. Trees fell, hundreds of thousands lost power, and unfortunately, people died. We are incredibly lucky though, Little One. Even though I was mad that our power was out for three days and that we lost all of our food in the fridge and freezer, we're still lucky. We were camping over the weekend, and all we heard was the soothing pitter patter of raindrops that fell on our camper roof, lulling us to sleep. Incredibly bad things could have happened to us, but they didn't. Sometimes the curveballs that are thrown at us are for the better, even if we can't see it in the moment. 

On Saturday night, the campground pool was open late. They held a pool party with a DJ, and there on top of a mountain your father and I swam. Nothing above our heads but the clear night sky, the stars shined like diamonds. Off on the horizon fireworks went off silently- too far away to hear the noise, but close enough to see the spectacle. Your Dad and I danced, laughed and swam to the sounds of the DJ, the smell of honeysuckle tickling our noses and the summer air blowing through our hair. 

 

And on this perfect summer night, all I could think of was you. 

 

Will you like swimming? Will you be the one dancing to the music or sticking to the side of the pool wall watching? Will you think we're crazy to be your parents, or will you love our passion for fun? 

Life is so unpredictable, Lo. Right now, you're so unpredictable. In a way, that is scary for me. I'm a planner by nature. I like to know the whens and wheres of life, and if there are none I like to find them and put them into place. But over the past week, as we've been thrown things good and bad, I'm remembering a very important life lesson: it's all in perspective. Bad things are only bad if you make them that way, sweet baby. A lot of things in life are out of our control, but how we react to them and how we view them in this world is the one thing we do have control over. 

Unfortunately, as an adult, you want to control everything but you just simply can't. And sometimes no matter how hard you work or how much effort you put forth (especially if you enter the corporate workplace), someone is going to try and trample all over you. Stick up for yourself, don't let anyone ever hurt you - and take as much control as you can. What you don't have control over, have faith in. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, have faith that it will all work out in the end, and if it's not worked out yet, it's just simply not the end. 

Sometimes, it's hard to see the success you've already met. Success and opportunity are like icebergs: you only see a preview, a portion of what is to come. And when you least expect it, the larger and greater good beneath the surface will emerge. I feel like the changes we're experiencing now are just the tip of the iceberg, that what lies ahead is far greater than what we can see in the immediate future.

 

We're still in the waiting to wait phase, but it is quickly coming to an end. We should have the homestudy back in our hands in less than three weeks. I feel like now this time seems to be moving incredibly slow, but that life will move a lot quicker soon and that this time will feel like a blink of an eye in the future. 

 

But now we're prepared to get our profile up. Last weekend, your Dad and I got pictures taken in the park for our profile. It was lovely, and I love the way they turned out (here is a preview): 

And my favorite: 

 

 

I see the tip of the iceberg, sweet baby. Now comes the time to wait for the rest.

 

With delicious ambiguity and lots of love,

 

Love,

Mom