I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

Little One, life has thrown some curveballs at us recently. I'm not a big fan of change and unpredictability, but with change comes opportunity. The changes we're making right now might even lead us to you one day, and they will all be for a reason.

Last Friday a terrible storm slammed the entire east coast. It was 600 miles long, spanning across several states. Trees fell, hundreds of thousands lost power, and unfortunately, people died. We are incredibly lucky though, Little One. Even though I was mad that our power was out for three days and that we lost all of our food in the fridge and freezer, we're still lucky. We were camping over the weekend, and all we heard was the soothing pitter patter of raindrops that fell on our camper roof, lulling us to sleep. Incredibly bad things could have happened to us, but they didn't. Sometimes the curveballs that are thrown at us are for the better, even if we can't see it in the moment. 

On Saturday night, the campground pool was open late. They held a pool party with a DJ, and there on top of a mountain your father and I swam. Nothing above our heads but the clear night sky, the stars shined like diamonds. Off on the horizon fireworks went off silently- too far away to hear the noise, but close enough to see the spectacle. Your Dad and I danced, laughed and swam to the sounds of the DJ, the smell of honeysuckle tickling our noses and the summer air blowing through our hair. 

 

And on this perfect summer night, all I could think of was you. 

 

Will you like swimming? Will you be the one dancing to the music or sticking to the side of the pool wall watching? Will you think we're crazy to be your parents, or will you love our passion for fun? 

Life is so unpredictable, Lo. Right now, you're so unpredictable. In a way, that is scary for me. I'm a planner by nature. I like to know the whens and wheres of life, and if there are none I like to find them and put them into place. But over the past week, as we've been thrown things good and bad, I'm remembering a very important life lesson: it's all in perspective. Bad things are only bad if you make them that way, sweet baby. A lot of things in life are out of our control, but how we react to them and how we view them in this world is the one thing we do have control over. 

Unfortunately, as an adult, you want to control everything but you just simply can't. And sometimes no matter how hard you work or how much effort you put forth (especially if you enter the corporate workplace), someone is going to try and trample all over you. Stick up for yourself, don't let anyone ever hurt you - and take as much control as you can. What you don't have control over, have faith in. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, have faith that it will all work out in the end, and if it's not worked out yet, it's just simply not the end. 

Sometimes, it's hard to see the success you've already met. Success and opportunity are like icebergs: you only see a preview, a portion of what is to come. And when you least expect it, the larger and greater good beneath the surface will emerge. I feel like the changes we're experiencing now are just the tip of the iceberg, that what lies ahead is far greater than what we can see in the immediate future.

 

We're still in the waiting to wait phase, but it is quickly coming to an end. We should have the homestudy back in our hands in less than three weeks. I feel like now this time seems to be moving incredibly slow, but that life will move a lot quicker soon and that this time will feel like a blink of an eye in the future. 

 

But now we're prepared to get our profile up. Last weekend, your Dad and I got pictures taken in the park for our profile. It was lovely, and I love the way they turned out (here is a preview): 

And my favorite: 

 

 

I see the tip of the iceberg, sweet baby. Now comes the time to wait for the rest.

 

With delicious ambiguity and lots of love,

 

Love,

Mom 

The secret to living the life of your dreams is to start living the life of your dreams today, in every little way you possibly can.

Little One, it's surreal. The visit part of our home-study journey is finally complete. The paper work was long ago turned in. All the appointments, the doctor visits, the faxes... all checked off, completed, finished. Now we wait for the report to be finished (most likely 3-4 weeks) and we'll finally, officially, in every capacity be paper pregnant.

It's the closest to being any kind of pregnant we've ever been.

The great news is that if we found you tomorrow, we'd be able to place with you because we're done the paperwork. So the search for officially on. We are officially expecting, and it feels absolutely amazing. After our last visit with the social worker lats night, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

 

It hit me last night how amazing your Dad is going to be as a father. I knew it all along, but listening to his answers during the interview about parenting and what he's looking forward to made me realize just how incredibly luck you're going to be to have him in your life. During the interview I was nervous, as I am during every step of the process. It's nerve-wracking to know how badly you want something and that the power lies in someones hands. But your Dad? He's a champ. He thought of every answer quickly, honestly and correctly. He remained calm and steadfast.Your Dad is my rock, and I'm his. We're there for each other, and we're going to be there for you in the same capacity.

 Not every kid has two parents in this world, and if we have an open adoption (which ideally, we would like)then you're going to have up to four parents who love you and care about you. My God, you're going to have a beautiful life, Lo. We're going to make every effort we can to make it as wonderful as possible.

I feel like our dreams are finally coming into a realization. Up until now, it's been about focus. We had a laundry list of papers to fill out, lawyers to interview, appointments to make and written tasks that we happily drew a line across each week when they were accomplished. Now, that is all done. The legwork is over, and what remains is this large vast expanse. There is no list we can check off now, it's all about the ways we can be inventive to find you out there. I'm not sure yet if that is going to be more or less difficult then having a list to check off, but either way we're up for the challenge.

Last night the social worker asked us what we're most looking forward to doing with our children in the future. I had a complete rush of blood to the head, because there are so many things we're looking forward to. Where other parents might complain about diapers, late night crying sessions and spit-up, we're pumped. We can't wait. We can't wait to take cheesy pictures on your first day of school. We can't wait to chaperone your school field trips, and help with school projects. We're excited to take you on camping trips, vacations and new adventures. We're anxiously awaiting quiet nights at home where we help you do homework and the routine that comes with it all. We can't wait to teach you how to drive (though I can totally wait to hand the keys over, because that seems terrifying). We can't wait to see you graduate high school and college. We can't wait to see you get married (if thats what you choose) or see you get your doctorate, or see you have children, or not have children. We can't wait to see the life you create for yourself with our support and love as the pillars holding it steady. No matter what your life holds, Lo, you're going to set the world on fire.

 

People have a lot of dreams and ambitions, and they are different for everyone. Some people dream of big houses, others fantasize about burgeoning careers or trips around the world. But what your Dad and I dream about is more simple. We dream about having a family.

We dream about you, sweet Little One.

 

And I know our dreams are going to come true. When they do, then our focus will shift again and it will become all about making your dreams come true. That is our job as parents, to be there for you and support you every step of the way. We'll be your biggest cheerleaders in this world, Lo. Dreams are such an important gift. They are what gives us drive, that hunger to wake up in the morning and take the day on with ferocity. We want to always add fuel to your dreams, as you've already done to ours. Anything we can do as your parents to give you the courage to dream and the bravery to act on those dreams, I promise you we'll accomplish.

 

Now the real part begins. From here on out, it's all about the search. You're out there baby. You might already be on this planet in some capacity. Maybe not. It's not for us to know right now, but for us to find out. We're done with the ground work, and now we can begin the brick and mortar. We're build our dreams, one step at a time.

 

Living the Dream,

 

Love,

Mom

I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Little One, today is full of life. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to make everyday full of life, as it should be. This life we're given is a short one, and we need to live it, soaking up every single second possible.

This morning felt light and dreamy. The rain came in yesterday, but today is so full of spring and sunshine that it makes my soul ache for the beauty of the plush green trees and striking blue sky (which unfortunately my tiny cubicle does not afford).

Despite the rain, yesterday was very productive. Our health department home inspection was tedious, but we passed. Our physicals went great, they were passed. We're just a few steps away, over three quarters of the way done at the least. We're getting so close to the finish line. It's such an exciting time in our lives. This morning I booked a hotel and pre-registered for a private adoption workshop in a month. RB is excited about it too. We're taking in as much information as we can: eating, sleeping, breathing adoption.

I have to make a note about this adorable thing your Dad does. It's such a trivial thing, most people would not even notice it. But knowing your Dad, I know this little thing is a testiment to his love for you. Every time we hear the phrase, "Little One" - even if its not referencing a baby (ie, a car commercial where someone says, "I'll take the little one") your Dad gets this huge grin on his face and whispers to himself, "Aw, Little One." It's downright adorable, and it makes my heart sing every time I see it happen.

I have confidence that you're out there, and that somewhere someone might be reading this and sharing out story, gettin the word out to the ears that are meant to hear it.

 I have confidence that soon, our day is coming.

I have confidence that in ten years, we won't remember the paperwork, the waiting, the hard days. We'll just be living our lives as a happy family, making memories each day.

We're living every second of these precious moments before you come in to our lives, because we know once that happens we'll be too busy pinching ourselves and being wrapped up in our love for you that we won't notice that life is still going on around us.

 

Waiting for the common hour,

Love,

Mom