Reflection is a beautiful thing.[/caption]Little one, I'm going to admit something that I'm sure you'll hold against me in the future. Your Mom is kind of a brat.
Yep. That's right. I said it. I am kind of a brat.
In talking to your Dad tonight, I came to a realization... I like to get what I want- and so far, I've been pretty good at it getting what I want.
When I see a job I'm really interested in, I apply. If I get to the next step, I usually get the job (unless it's President of the United States..haven't quite landed that one yet). I study the company, look for things they value in the employees. I research and research until I feel I have it down. I practice my interview skills in front of a mirror, the dogs, Rick- anything and anyone I can. I go shopping for a new suit that screams whatever I need it to scream, "rockstar professional" or "laid back creative type that will still show up on time". I show up early for the interview, crisp copies of my resume on expensive resume paper in an envelope with the company's logo sealing the outside. I shake the hand firmly of the person interviewing me, I look them directly in the eye and appear extremely interested in the position even if what is running through my head is actually my grocery list or my ongoing mental checklist of all the movies I've ever seen (I do this when I get nervous sometimes...it's less noticeable than sweaty palms in situations such as these). I smile, I nod. I ask questions when it's my turn in order to prove I was paying attention and I have ambition. I ask about follow up communication. I leave, and usually within a few days time I get a call with an exciting HR person on the other end offering me the position using pithy HR talk like "bring you onboard" and "can't wait to have you on the team" like the real position is playing shortstop on a Navy ship.
But of course, that is not always the drill- there have been foibles (like the time I accidentally sat and waited in the wrong building for over an hour and missed my interview when I was fresh out of college), and sometimes when I really really wanted a job, I missed the opportunity. But it was always for good reason...sometimes, a short time later I would get a better job that suited me more than I could have ever dreamed.
But generally speaking I try hard, work hard, earn hard.
When I was dating, I would go on one date with a guy and know whether or not I wanted to continue within the first hour. I would put on my best dress and spend hours battling my overly thick frizzy hair against Maryland humidity using a straightener or curling iron as my weapon of choice. I'd make sure I asked questions about them and focus on their wants in a relationship while keeping it light. If I wanted the guy, in most cases it worked out (for a while, at least...until I met your Dad and learned what knee-shaking, soul awakening love is really like).
But I'm frustrated because I can't do this to get what I want in this situation- which is you. I am trying my hardest. Every single day, twelve months into this process, I am researching situations, agencies, lawyers, consultants. I am calling them and giving them my best interview voice. I am constantly re doing our profile, thoughts running through my head that maybe it was too serious, maybe it was too humorous, maybe I focused too much on family, maybe I didn't focus on family enough.
I can't know within an hour if a situation is right. I can't know if I can just get in for an interview, I'll land it. It just doesn't work like that.
There is no control, and for a control freak such as myself, it's arduous.
I can look at this two ways:
1. This sucks. I have no control. I want control. Why can't I just have control? I'm going to get depressed and drown my feelings of self doubt and lack of control over life in mindless TV and junk food. I'm going to sit back and wait for the right situation to come to me. I hate rejection, and every time we see the numbers creeping slowly up on our profile views and each time we submit for a situation where a family gets chosen or we talk to an expecting Mom who suddenly disappears is another painful experience, a reminder of the rejection that stings so badly. Every day is harder and harder.
2. This is a new adventure. How beautiful is it to have things in life that can still surprise us? How many of us are lucky enough to have the chance to have something new to look forward to every single day. In a world controlled by planners and iPad calendar apps and dinging phone reminders- we are in a situation right now where all of that doesn't matter, because life is in fates beautiful hands and all knowing timing. I am going to work hard, never give up, keep on going. I am going to look at this from every angle and figure out a way I can network more, work harder, work smarter. I am going to be a mother, come hell or high water. I am going to make sure the baby or babies that were meant to find us do. Each time we feel rejection will be motivation to keep going. Each time we talk to someone that doesn't return our communication was for a reason- maybe we helped that woman with her decision in some way shape or form. Time isn't being wasted because we're working towards a goal, and that time would have passed regardless of our efforts. We're planting the seeds that will bring in the flowers down the road. We don't know the whens wheres and whats, but that is what makes this journey so unique and beautiful and amazing.
Guess which way I'm going to look at it?
Answer key: If you guessed 2, you'd be right.
Positive thinking always, Lo. It makes a world of difference. And you can't always get what you want. I didn't always get the job or the guy I wanted in the moment... But you know what? If you just keep working, keep trying, keep staying positive- you just might find you get what you need. And maybe what you needed was something you never even saw in that moment... a different job you didn't know about yet, or the person that you're meant to be soulmates with and marry. Life can be funny that way.
I know that we need you and you need us. And we're going to keep on trying until we get what we all need.
And remember: as your Mom- I want you to always choose the second option in life. Positive thinking leads to positive results. Always keep your beautiful head up sweet baby.
With love and determination forever,
Mom
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