When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves...

Hello there Little One! You have not been forgotten about, trust me. You are on our mind every millisecond of every day. Its just been a little crazy around here to find time to write.

Yesterday was a very big day- our second nephew was born. Hopefully, your cousin one day. It was beautiful seeing my sister and her husband so happy, and both RB and I are so happy for them. Our new nephew is gorgeous, healthy with bright eyes and a  head full of dark hair and tiny little  hands, he's absolutely perfect. I spent most of the morning watching K, my sisters oldest son (wow, its weird to say "oldest" son now!) He was so excited about being a big brother. We spent the morning making cards for his new baby brother and mom and dad, playing together with puzzles, watching Sesame Street and singing along. Spending time with him was a joy, and made me realize all over again how much I want to be a mother. He was so excited on the ride to the hospital to go meet his new brother. He made sure I didn't forget the gift he'd gotten for him, and babbled the entire time on the ride about his new baby brother. Everytime we'd hit a redlight on the ride, he'd scream in anger that it was stopping him from seeing his brother. He'd say, "These red lights! I need to get to the hospital! I have a brother!" We'd snap our fingers together to get the light to turn green faster. He was so proud when he snapped so hard that three lights in a row changed green at once. He gleamed with pride as we walked into the hospital sporting his "I'm the Big Brother" shirt, he told everyone he could that he was going to see his new baby brother.

It  reminded me how great it was to have a sibling growing up- and I really hope you get to experience what its like. Siblings are always having someone to always rely on. Siblings are so important- they are the only ones who know what its like to grow up with your set of parents, they are a huge branch of your history and a great support system. I don't know what I would do without my sister. I'm incredibly lucky to have a sibling, and I hope you get that same luck.

Yesterday reaffirmed for me that 1. you're worth this, and 2. I don't care that I don't give birth to you.I have mourned that part of our relationship, admittedly- and its a complete non issue. I am carrying you in my heart, and I'll probably be pregnant with the thought and hope for you longer than nine months. This will only strengthen our bond together. Today someone asked me if I was nervous about getting pregnant, and for the first time I didn't come up with any excuse to avoid the whole infertility explanation...instead I said firmly, "nope, we're going to adopt!"  and it felt so natural and amazing. It might sound insane, but in my head I'm already pregnant with you, and I have been for a long time.... I just have no due date yet. I've heard other people describe it as "paper pregnant" referring to the homestudy process, and its a pretty accurate term.

Speaking of that, yesterday was also another milestone for our journey to you. We submitted our homestudy application- so step one is completed. This morning I called the agency and paid for the downpayment fee, and spoke with a representative who explained that next step we'll be assigned a social worker in the next ten days, then schedule our first home visit with her to go over all the paperwork.Its officially crunch time!Today I've been a lot more hopeful, even though I'm admittedly extremely nervous about the entire process. Speaking to people who have been through it in message boards has been a Godsend. I will definitely be more relieved when that stamp of approval is in our hands.

We are so excited just at the prospect of you, Little One. We're one step closer, and hopefully soon we'll know when we're officially due to be your parents.

 

Until then, I'm enjoying getting closer and closer.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Thanks for the title quote today, Mr. Einstein.

 

Still no news, little one. It's no fun in no news land, I must say. And it's not helping that the calendars are haunting me.

We went to the RV show over the weekend, and the calendar haunted me. Do you want to book a campground weekend getaway today? If you book today, it's half off! The wide eyed campground representative said to us. RB and I looked at each other and almost simultaneously shook our heads and said, No thanks, we have to check our schedule.

But there is no schedule to check. We have no schedule.

I come in to work and everyday the calendar haunts me. It stares me square in the face. Hanging so innocently on the corkboard a mere foot from my own eyes are tangible evidence of every day and month leading up to June. A tiny hand drawn heart, so small you wouldn't realize it was there unless it was pointed out to you (that was intentional) floats below the11 on the June calendar. June 11th- I've marked it with a heart on the calendar and every day it kind of hurts to see it there, taunting me.

This heart could be nothing. You prematurely wrote this here. Did you really think it would all work out like  some kind of Disney fairytale? Did you think your luck was finally changing? Did you really think something that miraculous could happen to you?

It tries to strike me down everytime I glance over at that tiny blue heart.

But it won't.

Yes, this is hard. Its hard not knowing if we'll be in New Jersey in June for ten days, or sitting at home on our couch sad and depressed. Its hard not knowing if we'll have you here for the summer, or if we'll still be searching for you. Its hard to think that we're setting ourselves up for a let down later. Its so damn hard.

But its also exhilarating.

You could be here in June.  And if not, you could be here at any time. That thought can only be described as just plain wild, little one. Its wild to think that yes, maybe you won't be here in June...but then there is July. And August. And September. And October...and the rest of our lives. This is the only time in our lives we'll get to experience a rollercoaster like this one.

There are two ways to handle a rollercoaster: with your eyes shut, fists clenched, sweat pouring down your forehead with the mere anticipation of how badly it could go. You don't even peek through your eyes to see what lies ahead, you hold on to the handlebar for dear life and you're so wrought with fear that you don't even let yourself feel the dips and drops. All you worry about is the next time you'll hear the distinctive click click click click going up another hill before a big drop. You make yourself queasy with worry over how its going to feel going down the hill that you can do nothing but clench your jaw and close your eyes tight and not let yourself experience anything until the ding that alerts you the ride is finally over.

And you get off the rollercoaster, and you can't remember anything about the ride.

Or, theres option two.

You feel it. You may be scared, you may get a little freaked at the ominious sound of the click click click as the chains pull the coaster up the hill. But once you get to the top of that hill, your eyes open wide to take in the most breathtaking view. Instead of forcing your eyes shut, you force them open. You see with ultimate clarity what the track has in store for you, and you get excited at the prospects. When the cart does finally pass that moment that seems like an eternity at the top of the first hill, you take a deep breath and throw your hands high in the air. Your lungs open wide and you scream with joy and feel the force of the coaster with all your senses- letting your hands and arms feel the wooshing air, screaming at the top of your lungs, taking in the aromas of the park- the cotton candy, the deep woods surrounding- and you just ride. You coast down every valley, you soar through each dip. You let yourself feel every bump and sharp turn, and you enjoy it.

You let go, and enjoy the ride.

And this time when you get off the coaster, you want to relive the experience. You want to get back in line and do it all over again.

I need to stop clenching my fists and jaw and keeping my eyes tightly shut. I need to throw my hands in the air, and feel the elation of this rollercoaster.

 

That way, if the ride does end prematurely, I'm ready to get back on and do it all over again...only this time, I'll know the track.

 

And then when its all over, and you're in our arms, we can proudly say...

That was one hell of a ride, and totally worth every second!

 

And maybe even...lets do it again.

It Has Been a While

Hello little one, its RB.  I know it has been a while since I have posted on here.  Sometime has passed but there is not a whole lot more news.  This is certainly understandable and expected but it is never easy.  Becky and I become very anxious at times but we still have hope.  We still have a good feeling that we will get to meet you soon.  But we are still going through our journey so we dont know all of the answers yet.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that everything that happens is part of the experience and we can enjoy it because everything will hopefully be part of what needs to happen in order to have you, little one, in our lives.  But other times it is quite hard to do this, to remember to look at things in that way.  Becky and I are taking this journey one step at at time.  But I still have a good feeling though. 

Becky and I love you very much little one!

Style is the mind skating circles around itself as it moves forward

Whats your style? Thats the question on the mind of every social worker who completes homestudies (or so I've been told). No, they are not looking to see if you know which bag will work best with a pair of stilettos, they are all curious as to your parenting style.

So RB and I had a serious parenting style talk last night. Though it was the farthest thing from serious, because we have long ago discussed in great detail and have always known what our parenting style will be, we just didn't know the Baumrind definition.

So what is it?

Well, here are the four parenting styles Baumrind laid out in 1967:

 

The Four Parenting Styles

1. Authoritarian Parenting
In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, "Because I said so." These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children. According to Baumrind, these parents "are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation".

 

2. Authoritative Parenting
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents "monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative" .

 

3. Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents "are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation" (1991). Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent.

4. Uninvolved Parenting
An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child's basic needs, they are generally detached from their child's life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.

 

And here are their repercussions:

• Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

 

• Authoritive parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (Maccoby, 1992).

 

• Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.

 

• Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.

 

So which one best fits RB and I? It's an obvious answer. We are so totally authoritative.

We both believe that raising a child is about teaching a child. You cannot teach a kid right from wrong, actions and reactions... anything, really- without explaining why.

For example, if you're a small child about to touch a hot oven we're going to tell you no. Your curious little amazing mind is inevitably going to ask why. If we tell you, Because we said so, that does nothing... because when we're not around guess whose having a hot oven touching party? But if we explain to you, on your level that it's for your own safety so you don't get injured, you will understand why touching a hot oven is not something we don't allow, for your safety.

We both agree that this carries over to pretty much everything. Our rules will be enforced, but you're always going to be encouraged to ask why they are in place. We want to teach you to always be curious- never just take things for what they are. Ask a lot of questions in life, don't be a follower for followings sake. Be curious and find out why things are the way they are, be a critical thinker (because not being a critical thinker and curious and asking why is far more dangerous than any hot oven, trust me.)

 For another example, lets say you're sixteen and we have set a curfew for you of 10:00 PM. You may ask why, and we will probably regale you with a giant list of reasons (Safety on the roads, getting adequate sleep, knowing where you are, etc.) But lets just say you want to see a movie that ends at 10:10 PM... of course, thats something up for discussion. We are definitely not going to be the parents whose kid is speeding home dangerously to get in before curfew as to not get in trouble. That defeats the purpose, which is keeping you safe.

On the flip side of the equation, we are not going to be total push overs. Its a big balancing act, but we believe that a family is democracy, for the most part. You'll have to earn your privledges, just like you do in the real world. Freedom isn't always free, you have to work hard to be successful in life. But we're not going to be slave drivers or expect you to be perfect, because you're human and no one is perfect (of course you'll always be perfect in our eyes though...but I think every parent thinks that way!) We're not going to demand straight A's, but we will demand that you put your best effort in to your work. We won't be up until 3 AM doing your project for you, but we will work tirelessly with you to help you learn from the project.

I know a lot of people may think that we're jumping the gun in thinking about these things. A lot of parents think about the basics, whats in front of them right now - the onesies, burping cloths, binkies, bouncy chairs, colors of nursery walls- and we do think about those things too, but they aren't the big picture here. We're not raising an infant for the rest of your life, we are raising a human being.  

RB and I have always had that frame of thinking around everything. Weddings are very similiar, and we're convinced thats why so many marriages fall apart. A wedding is one day in your life, and a wedding day does not make a marriage. So many people focus on the flowers, the dress, the music their going to walk down the aisle to, the favors and what color ribbon will be on the tulle bunting... but none of that means a thing. What really matters is the marriage- and the wedding day is only a celebration of that marriage.

Before RB and I even got engaged, we talked. A lot. About everything under the sun. We made sure we were on the same page with every single scenario we might face in our life. (Of course I'm sure there will be situations and obstacles we'll face that we didn't discuss- there already are- but the importance is then discussing and researching before you move forward- together.) We talked about what would happen if one of us, or both of us, lost our jobs. We talked about what we would do if faced with having to move. We talked about things that make people very uncomfortable, like what we would expect if one of us dies (not that we're planning on that happening for a long time, but thats the point of these conversations). Knowing about our inferility, we talked about what was comfortable for us in terms of how much money we'd spend on treatments, how many times we'd try before taking a break or giving up. We talked about adoption, we talked about IVF. We discussed how many children we wanted and what kind of parents we wanted to be (hence why we knew before looking them up).

Adoption forces people in to this line of thinking. Many parents don't ever consider what type of parent they will be- they deal with parenting as it comes. And thats fine for them, but adoption and the homestudy process forces you to define it before the baby is even in your arms. And thats kind of a big reason why I think adoption doesn't scare me (at least this part of adoption... a lot of other things scare me, like a BM backing out or the crazy small details like not having the proper smoke alarm to bedroom ratio for the homestudy) and its also  why RB and I were never nervous during our wedding. We have a plan, and its not just for the here and now.

I don't want to pat ourselves on the back here, little one. There are going to be plenty of challenges we never dreamed we'd face that we'll be totally unprepared for, simply because you can't plan everything in life. Much like the John Lennon quote, Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, life is unpredictable. But that doesn't mean we show up unprepared.

I feel like now more than ever, we're so ready for you. We are ready to be parents-  and while I've thought before that we were ready, hindsight is 20/20. While we would have been ecstatic and learned what to do along the way and still would have been great parents if it happened in the past three years we've been trying, now is the prefect time. We've read the books. We've surrounded ourselves with loving positive people, and we've purged the negative people in our lives. We are in a circle of nurturing caring friends and family that will accept you with open arms and hearts. We are making more money than we ever have in our careers, enough that I could stay home with you or work from home. We own our own house and are on the road to trying to get a bigger house, but the one we're in now is fine for a baby. We are more responsible than ever. We are so madly in love with each other, and we support each other through everything.

We are ready.

Now its just about waiting to see if all the other cogs are in place to make this happen. But I know one thing for certain, we will always try our hardest and put our best effort in to raising you, from the day your born until the day we die.  

And official parenting style definitions aside, we'll be amazing parents to you little one.

 

This I know.

All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive

Well, convoluted answers so far. Its not a definite no, but its not a definite yes. And that is so terrifying.

I'm not that niave, I know its always going to be convoluted answers. No adoptions really go off without a hitch, except in movies. There is always uncertainty all around, just like there is in infertility. Instead of having a two week wait, we have an indefinite wait. And maybe I have been romaticizing the process, believing in my heart it would be a fairytale ending where this is all meant to be, that our first shot at this would be set up so completely perfectly and everyone would be in agreeance and nothing but smiles come out in the end.. And maybe I'm completely reprehensibly wrong about that- but then again maybe I'm not. It's really hard to say at this point, or any point really. We won't really know until you are in our arms for the long haul, little one.

And after a lot of crying last night, I have come to one very solid conclusion.

I know in my heart one thing: you're out there. Waiting.

This may sound silly, but I feel like I've already connected to your soul and I'm just waiting for the body that comes along with it. I know in my heart of hearts that you are out there somewhere, feeling that connection too. You may not be in this birth mothers womb right now. This may not be the body  or situation your little soul has chosen - maybe it has. I'm not really sure. But I am sure that what is meant to be will be, and one way or another you and I will be together. Because whether you are the little one in this particular situation or some other situation (perhaps one that hasn't even happened yet, maybe one that we don't even know about), you are out there. And my arms and mind will remain wide open until we find our way to each other. This one may not be your journey, it might be... but I have to face the very real reality that it could very well not be. And if it's not, the baby that is in this particular birth mothers life is the catalyst to RB and I going down this adoption path with a solid decision.

Before we were on the sidelines of the adoption path, occasionally peeking our heads around the bend to see if we were brave enough to even try. But now, this situation has firmly planted all four of our feet on the road, and we've began making strides towards the end goal.

And even if the end goal is not this particular baby, I know you are out there little one, and I know that now we're not just staring down a long road, wondering if its the right path. I know we're on the right road. I know we're making progress. I know that when all is said and done, you'll be at the end of this road ready for our loving arms.

There are still so many unknowns and uncertainties, and it's still a very nerve wracking and terrifying journey. That won't ever change. And sometimes I get so discouraged- why is this so hard for us? Why do we have to go through this? Why are there so many people, undeserving, unloving, who take their children for granted...why does it come so easy to them?

The only way I can rationalize it in my head is this: RB and I were designed for greatness. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we're so much stronger than those people. We have known pain, and we will overcome. We know that we are worth so much more than this, and we will try everything in our power to find you, because you are out there. This is something we are destined to accomplish. Those other people, the ones that pop out kids and don't appreciate the beautiful and amazing gift they've been given...they will never know the secrets we know. They will never understand how precious and miraculous life really is. They will never appreciate their children the way we will appreciate ours. They will never know how to overcome pain and loss the way we can. They will never know what it's like to stay up at night, crying for a child that might not even be yours. They will not live every single day to the fullest, knowing full well what an amazing, precious, fragile gift life is to every human being that roams this earth. They will never look in to the eyes of strangers and know deep in their soul that they are here for a reason, no matter who they are.

But we will.

We know what its like to face life together. We know what its like to hold hands and navigate a rocky road we'd never think we'd have to travel on, the soles of our shoes being worn down with every step, the pain and blood and sweat and tears that go in to every milestone building who we are as people. Building our compassion for others, being able to look in the face of pain and deal with it rather than turn around and run. We are better people because of this journey, and nothing can change that. We have matured and grown so much facing this together, not just in our marriage but individually. We are better people because of the path we've chosen.

I'm not giving up. I have to hold myself to that. I will not back down. I know the pain is going to be immeasurable at times. It's going to hurt. There are going to be tears, there are going to be sleepless nights. There is going to be a lot of hard days, days that seem so dark that no light will ever peek in again. It's not going to be easy, but its what we're meant to do. Its what we've been destined to do, and I don't take that responsibility lightly. I feel like this is not just a choice we've made, this choice to adopt- but rather, its something we are just going to do, because its whats right in our hearts. Its a simple choice to make, because it just feels right.

You might be the little one coming in June. You might not. But either way, we know you're out there.

We're searching still.

While I hope and pray and wish that you are the little one linked to the situation, even if you're not we will find you, and thats a promise. If you are the little one due in June, we're still waiting for you. We love you no matter what body and package you come in...because we already love your soul. And RB and I take promises very seriously. No matter the amount of tears and hurt and heartache it takes, we are on the road to come get you. I wish I knew how many months and miles we had left to go, but I don't. And that is something I'm finding hard to deal with, being the planner that I am. But this is a lesson for me, too. A lesson in letting go of control, a lesson in faith. I have faith that we will find you. I have faith that it will all work out for the better.

And when it does all work out, little one....well what a celebration that will be. Your little life will never go unnoticed, we will appreciate the miracle you are every second of your life.  

You're already here in our hearts. We're just waiting for you to materialize in our arms.

 

Waiting is the hardest part...

Still no word, little one.

This wait is killing me.

I keep thinking...maybe I've just been lying to myself. Maybe I've blown this so out of proportion in my own head, that I'm going to be completely and utterly crushed when we do hear word. I must be an idiot for letting myself dream that something this amazing and perfect and wonderful could happen to me. How did I ever think I would be that lucky?

I keep preparing myself for a let down. My stomach has been churning for days, and I know if I don't hear anything tonight I will not be able to sleep.

 

Well, thats a lie. If I do hear something tonight, I still won't be able to sleep. If I hear good news, I'll be too excited to sleep. If I hear bad news, I'll be too devestate to sleep.

Only time will tell. But until then, this wait is brutal.

Groundhog Day

Hello little one, its RB.  Every day Becky and I think about you and what you will be like.  We really look forward to all of the experiences that we will have with you.  I am really hoping to be your dad.  I really want to be able to show you all the things that a dad shows to his children and Becky really wants to show you everything a mom shows to her children.  We both have said many times over that we really want to be your parents.  Everyday I think about being able to share experiences, knowledge and fun with you.  I think about the things that I hope to be able to do for/with you, as your dad.  I really want to be able to teach you all kinds of stuff, sometimes its moral stuff, sometimes its practical stuff and sometimes its fun stuff.   You see little one, all of those things that I mentioned are important.  I really want you to take away from all of this that I will always be there for you as your dad, no matter what kind of stuff is going on in your life.

I heard that the groundhog saw its shadow today, which means six weeks more of winter but Becky and I just don't feel like it will really, truly,completely be spring until you are here.  We love you little one.

And time goes by, so slowly and time can do so much...are you still mine?

The title of this post is lyrics to Unchained Melody. It was one of my grandmothers favorite songs, and it always reminds me of her. See little one, she was a really amazing woman- she would do anything for anyone, and everyone that met her fell in love with her. She was a motther figure to a lot of people, and an idol to many. She passed pretty suddenly from cancer when I was thirteen.

Sometimes I can still smell her perfume in the air, and I know she's here. I've been smelling her perfume a lot.

A few weeks ago, I got the oddest feeling. I fell asleep, and an hour later I awoke to the strongest scent of her perfume in the air, and I could almost feel her presence with me. It felt like a hug without a physical body. I cannot put in to words what kind of an experience it was, but I knew in my heart at that moment that she was there. And I just had this overwhelming feeling that she was trying to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

I think sometimes that her, RB's grandfather, God, fate, kismet...that it's all working magic to get you to us in the end.

Time is ticking by so slowly this week. RB and I are trying hard to keep busy. Tonight we installed a new carpet runner, and tomorrow we're going to do some cleaning and organizing. This weekend we're going to paint the room that hopefully will be your room one day soon, and buy a new couch. Sunday can't seem to get here soon enough.

In other news, my mom is healing from her accident slowly but surely. She sees another doctor tomorrow for follow up. It will be a slow road ahead, but I am so so lucky that she is okay.

 

There are so many thoughts running through my head this week, it's getting difficult to organize them in here, so I apologize for the randomness. My mind is like the ending credits to a movie on triple fast foward lately.

I want nothing more than you in my arms. I keep thinking, If little one were here right now, what would we be doing? Would I be rocking you to sleep? Would I be counting your tiny fingers? Would I be brushing the hair out of your face as you cuddled in to the crook of my arm? Would you be up crying, and I'd be waiting to comfort you? Would I be watching you sleep?

One day down, too many to count to go.

 We're all working so hard to get you here- and we can't wait to be your parents.

 

 

Come home soon Little One...